Moderator: Team SW-AT
Ich wollte diese geschichte schon immer schreiben, nur habe ich zwei probleme:
-ich schreibe nur auf englisch.. das versteht ihr bestimmt kaum *hust*
-ich weiss nie wie ich etwas aufschreiben soll...
Dann hab ich doch mal entschlossen anzufangen mit der geschichte...
Titel: Immortal Illusions oder The Lifeless Lady... Muss noch nen besseren finden. Mal sehen
Feedback erwünscht natürlich braucht aber nicht.
Hmm ich hab bock auf pizza...
Ps. Ehm.. sind sehr viele flashbacks, ich hoffe dass es nicht zu verwirrend ist.
The Bloodless Lady
Scarlett was her shirt. White it used to be. Alex glanced down, fearing what might have happened to her this time. The red liquid streamed down from her belly, along with it a brown and grey jellylike substance. She swallowed heavily, knowing what it was she was seeing. This time it were her intestines which were floating along with the blood. Her stomach she'd already lost. Only her heart was left. And her bladder.
But she didn't need any organs.
She was immortal.
"Hello, my name is Marie." I uttered, halfheartedly. The surrounding people nodded friendly, repeating my name, saying hello. The moment I'd been waiting for for so long. Getting to my feet, feeling shaky and miserable, I continued my story. "I'm going to tell you about my child Alex. She isn't with us anymore. Young and lively, happy and joyous she was. But not until today. I watched her pass away... tragically. It consumed me..." Tears were coming, I could feel them sting in my eyes. All those times I went over this conversation in my head it seemed so simple. A relief. But it hadn't turned out to be that.
Sighing, I pulled myself together. "Yes, I'm one of those unhappy parents who are able to say that they saw their very own offspring die. Tonight, I'm going to tell you my story. Her story."
It started, well, I believe it started around ten years ago. Alex was just a mere eight years old when her father got very very ill. She had no idea what being ill meant. She had no clue what dying actually was. All she knew was that her father wasn't as he used to be: Always there for her. The sudden change in their relationship hit her hard. In the chest? In the head? I'm not sure. She wouldn't speak. She spent long hours alone in her room, rejecting all visitors...
Alex skipped through the hallway. “I’m home, I’m home!” she sang, hugging her mother. Schoolday had been fun as always. Playing with her many friends, receiving compliments from her loving teacher. She had even drawn a horsey-horse for her little sister Emilie. Alex strolled over to the baby-box, presenting the drawn animal to her little sister. But just as she was about to give it to her, she lowered her arm. Her head tilted. “Daddy looks weird again, mama”.
He was sitting in the chaise longue, rubbing his forehead. “Yes dear, he’s not feeling well” Marie began, and Connor added “It’s that headache again. It’s worse than last week. It might be migraine, the doctor said.” “Doctor?” Alex asked, “Did it hurt?”
Ansonsten find ichs gut geschrieben, man kann der Geschichte gut folgen
Darf ich doofe Rechtschreibkritik anbringen? XD
Also lifely gibts nich, müsste lively sein "Untill" hat ein l zu viel (entweder till oder until), genauso wie "rellief". Joa, das is, was mir dazu aufgefallen is
Aber viel wichtiger, wie gesagt, is ja, dass sie gut geschrieben ist
Joaa rechtschreibung.. ich meine, bei mir spinnt das forum manchmal dann kann ich nicht wirlich sehen was ich schreibe, nachdem ich schon vieles geschrieben habe.. Aber danke, ich werd's ändern
Mal gucken wann ich weiter schreibe x3
Typ/rechtschreibfehler korrigiert. Freut mich dass du es magst, aber erwarte bitte nicht zu viel davon : ) Schreiben ist nicht mein ehm... talent x3
- Erfahrener User
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und gut geschrieben ist es auf jeden Fall! Ein Lichtblick zwischen dem was ich in letzter Zeit so aus Langeweile gelesen habe
und mach dich nicht schlechter als du bist!
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Am anfang war ich sauer wegen dem Titel (Immortal)... Eigentlich wollt ich ja noch ne Geschichte mit dem selben Namen hochstellen sobald ich mit Changeling fertig bin, aber ich krieg bestimmt noch nen anderen namen zusammen^^
Auf jeden fall echt gut geschrieben, verdammt gutes English (Rechtschreibfehler passieren mal o.o)
und extrem geil erzählt... hab lange nix mehr gelesen dass so gut zu werden scheint
einfach mal weitermachen!
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- Registriert: So 20. Sep 2009, 10:45
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1. Du bist KEINE schlechte Autorin.
2. Die Geschicht gefällt mir sehr gut^^
3. Deine Ausdrucksweise gefällt mir auch sehr gut. (Obwohl ich da noch relativ wenig Vergleiche habe, hab bis jetzt (fast) nur schulische Texte gelesen.
4. Du hast oben einmal statt "The bloodless Lady" "The lifeless Lady" geschrieben.
5. Schreib weiter^^
Aber es wär deine Schuld wenn sie so bleibt!
Man ist das schwierig.. ich weiss nie richtig wie ich sowas bringen kann.. soll.. wasauchimmer x3
Nja.. hier isses.. undso...
oder eben nicht.
Whatever ;D ich geh ins bett.. x3
And fot those who didn't figure it out already:
es ist nicht chronologisch geschrieben O.o
Lying in her bed, unable to sleep, Alex peered into the black night. Nightmares about her father had been hunting her for two nights now, fuelling insomnia. Nightmares representing his current state, his now and here. And although he hadn’t changed that much, the apparently little changes scared her all the more.
His face had drained of colour for several days now, and the doctors couldn’t think of anything but migraine? Wasn’t migraine just a simple headache, only a little worse? Alex couldn’t tell, she was young and inexperienced. She knew that. That was why she kept her thoughts for herself. Surely the doctors knew what was wrong with him. Surely they would cure him. Bring back his tan skinned face, his twinkling eyes. Unless the diagnose was wrong.
But she was all imagining it, of course. She was just a tiny grain of sand on the widespread beach of civilization. She could not possible know anything about these issues. Who was she to worry about it?
Two more weeks passed and Connors face became bleaker by the day. Marie took charge of the household, taking workdays off to nurture her husband. Alex drew pictures of hippos and giraffes to make him feel better. But it didn’t work.
One day, he wasn’t home when Alex returned from school. She hung up her jacket, almost smelling what she was about to discover. Slowly she stepped into her room. She looked left. Right. Left.
“Where’s papa?” Her eyes cut into Maries as she spoke. She scared herself slightly, sounding so commanding. Angry. Two weeks of dreading for her father, her favourite parent, helplessly. And now he wasn’t there. It was just not right. He was supposed to be just having migraine. Had mother been lying? No, she must be overreacting.
Marie closed her eyes as if she wished Alex hadn’t asked. She sighed before she responded. “Your father was brought into hospital today. He’s very ill... There’s almost nothing they can do for him anymore...”
Many more followed.
Yes, they had by then discovered the brain tumour. It had been there for a very long time already. The modern technology gave us much hope, but not for long. They were too late. We were too late, my husband didn’t survive. It took the decease only a couple of months to drag him into his grave. Alex blamed it on me. I hadn’t been clear enough about his situation, telling her it were migraine. Giving her false hope.
But how could I have known that death was lurking under his bed? No one knew.
Spending days without being sure he would ever survive put Alex through a hard time. It put her to thinking. Thinking a lot. I guess. As I told before, she locked herself up in her room. She let nobody in. Not even her very own mother.
Nadine walked next to Alex, smiling slightly. “It’s okay, he will survive. Your mother told you so already, and she wouldn’t lie to you right?” Alex grinned, too. It was wonderful having caring friends around her. They take her mind of things, they make her happy. “I still wonder what it will, I mean, would be like if daddy wasn’t around anymore. I mean... The last time someone died in the family was too long ago to remember.” “Yes, well, let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. The only thing I can guarantee is that it isn’t something you would want to happen very often.” Nadine laughed softly. “Hmm well I guess so. Too bad I cannot ensure his survival somehow. I mean, well..” “Yeah, I can imagine how you’re feeling, but... let’s just not think about your dad. Let’s play hide and seek!” And so they did. Hiding and finding, appearing and disappearing, like life all around us.
Alex erected. Staring into the dusk, she listened to the voice. It was right in front of her. “You can conquer death, my child.” Staring eyes. Blank eyes. No pupils, no iris, just milky white eyes, staring into hers. A young girl with a disproportionally deep voice sat in front of her. No smile curved around the blood red lips. No emotion etched on her face at all. “Life’s but a conspiracy. You’re the main target. They are coming for you...” It scared her. It scared her very deeply.
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ich schätze das hat nen grund warum deine Geschichte die meistkommentierte ist
supertoll geschrieben, ich glaube du musst die nächsten Tage mal mehr schreiben, sonst krieg ich Entzugserscheinungen
Ok.. dás hätte ich jetzt erst wirklich nicht erwartet
aber danke.. : O denke ich.. man wie soll man darauf reagieren?
(soll n knuddl sein O.o)
jedenfalls kann ich ab nächste woche nicht mehr soviel schreiben da ich dann wieder schule habe.. : ) sorry
Ich werd mir aber mühe geben
aber schule geht bei mir immer vor *zukunfstpläne hab*
Nochmal.. wow, danke : ) *flattered*
Letting go of the ropes, she jumped into the air. Nadine gasped “Alex!” and hurried to catch her. But the child had already fallen flat to the ground.
“Alex, are you alright?” Nadine helped her get up. Alex tilted her head. “Well, it didn’t hurt that much. I actually enjoyed it!” and a huge grin spread across her face. “You mustn’t do such dangerous things!” Nadine hissed, “You know what your mama said to you. She doesn’t want to lose you, too.” “Lose me too? No, I think my mother should finally let go of me. I’m old enough to watch my own back now.” She sulked, looking sour. “Well, you’re not.” Nadine retorted, nervously fingering her golden locks, “I mean, you only turned nine, yesterday.”
Nine was a nice number. Three equal parts of three. One for Emilie, one for Connor and one for Marie. But where was her own part? She surely didn’t have to wait until her twelfth birthday?
After the week of Alex’s birthday, a very happy occasion, the mood changed dramatically. There was another ceremony to attend, and a grave one indeed. My husbant had died. During the burial, Alex spoke no word. She didn’t even cry. And I have never had the chance to ask why.
Poor little Emilie didn’t know what was going on, but I could sense that she had noticed the sudden change in the family as well. But it affected Alex stronger.
The grief which had been left with us when he passed took a part of my soul. I felt dead. Dead yet alive, with only one ambition: I had a family to care for.
“Liar!” Alex shouted, balling her fists. The class stared back, shocked. “Liar!” She bit her lips, closing her eyes. Miss Anderson got up and strolled over to her. Patting her on the back, she announced, “I’m going to take her apart for a moment. I want you all to continue with your weekend stories until I’m back.” Rose, who sat next to Alex in the wide circle, started to recite a tale about her grandfather and a swimming pool, and the class calmed down again.
Miss Anderson lead Alex outside the classroom, into the toilette. There she kneeled down to look her in the face. “I heard what has happened this weekend.” She spoke softly, “And I’m very, very sorry for you. He was such a nice man. Take the day off and go home, your mother shouldn’t have let you come to school today. The wound is still too fresh.” Alex nicked and thanked her.
Outside the school building again, tired from fighting tears, she sighed and started walking home. Silent salty pearls clung to her whimpers, refusing to let go. Liar, she thought, Marie, why did you have to lie to me?